Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Man, jail baloney is awful.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Randomize
