He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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