There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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