I love black thongs
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
