hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
