Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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