You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
