kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
