I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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