Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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