what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
