you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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