I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
He yanked my breathe right strip off in the middle of me riding him.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
