I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
