I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
