I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
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