Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
