Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
