He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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