your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
