I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
