I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
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