I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
