i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
