Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
ok but bondage is pretty much my easy mode
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
