failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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