I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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