I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
Randomize
