I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
