you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize
