I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
