Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
