just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
