i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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