I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
