i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Randomize
