Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
