I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
