Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Randomize
