...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
