I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
