Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
