two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
