Pregnant stripper...not hot.
You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
