he puts the penis in happiness.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Randomize
