eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Randomize
