My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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