Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Randomize
