i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
