peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
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