I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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